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4 August 1998 Dear Bishop Moynihan, I write this letter to you from my retreat at Mount Saviour, down in Elmira. A wonderful,
quite place. I have been coming here for almost 13 years now. It is with great pain that I
write for I am in the midst of a terrible Divorce, especially awful because of our 5 year
old son, Domenic. Adrianne and I were married in 1987 (at St. Michaels in Lyons) and Domenic was born in
1993. Within a year of his birth she wanted out of the marriage. I initially could not
"willingly" go along with the Divorce. Later, it appeared her single desire was
freedom and out of the marriage. I asked that we should negotiate a no fault separation
and share custody of our child. But it was too late to negotiate. The Court found in her
favor and also gave her custody of our son, limiting me to every other weekend
"visits". For a caring person who loves his son very much - this has been the
most exquisite torture I could imagine. I would not wish what has happened to me on
anyone. Yet, this brief story, with some variation, is also one that occurs daily in
thousands of lives and effects so many children - and causes me to write you. I am still fighting the Divorce results through a series of Appeals in the Courts.
Several months ago I spoke to Fr. Fritzen, our parish priest in Phoenix. I told him I was
not sure what the outcome would be, but I wanted to start the process of
"annulment" of the marriage. I still wear the wedding band. The band was put on
in the Church, and in a circle of completeness - should it not come off in a Church as
well? To my great surprise, I was told the Church would not start an annulment while one
of the spouses was still contesting the Divorce - and while I heard the explanation and
rationale, I was still quite surprised. How could anyone change the "official
policies" of the Roman Catholic Church? Bishop, I don't think I am in a position to do that - but you are. You are Pastor of
the flock, and a modern day Apostle of Jesus Christ. In response to a human cry, just like
Christ, and the Apostles before you - you can start a process which results in profound
change. Probably the simplest thing I ask is permission to start the annulment process now
- the difficult request is that you ask the other Bishops to again examine the effect of
Divorce on families. The "hard" request is that you champion a cause to change
our Sacramental structure (how God is physically manifest in our lives). Annulment - Within the Church guidelines I used to understand, I don't even
think our marriage qualifies for annulment. We were both aware of some of our problems,
and both of us carried the old "psychological baggage" into the relationship
most people would have. More than anything it was just a failure of commitment on both our
parts. Certainly I could have done better as a spouse. But now I am in a real bind, my
spouse wants "out", no longer considers herself a Catholic - what can I do? Am I
to be "punished" by not being able to enter into another relationship and to
start a new family (Like my father, I love children!). "What God has joined, let no
man separate." Bishop, in the presence of God, we conferred the Sacrament on each
other - in the presence of God and his Church can we not then separate? Is God not present
and acting? Council of Bishops - The real tragedy of Divorce occurs to the children. Without
a right to a Jury - a single legal functionary has the right to "destroy" a
parent/child relationship. I have created a Web Site devoted to this ( http://www.kids-right.org/ ). I would hope that the Council of Bishops would have the
courage to speak out against this injustice. To demand for parents, the same rights we
assure any accused criminal - the right to a jury. A "punk" kid, who steals a 6
pack of beer, has the right to a Jury before spending even a week in Jail. Do not our
parents and children deserve that same right before being separated for a life time? Is
not the Church called to champion this cause, and remind the people of the sacred nature
of the parent/child bond - and the special protections it does deserve. I appreciate the "Pre Cana" classes the Church has, but should it go farther
as it attempts to guide its children? The wedding vows, "For richer or power, for
better or worse, in sickness and in health", seem to have no force. Perhaps the
Church should recommend and provide a "pre-nuptial" agreement the couple can
both sign, with legal force, which (among other things), would recognize the right of both
to be equal parents. Sacrament of Vocation - In my life I have come to understand God's plan for us
never changes, but it is our heart and soul which expand as we grow -- and are then able
to contain more of his will. The "vocational" Sacraments seem to be "one
shot deals", and woe to you who get it wrong the first time. We may celebrate your
marriage in a great community celebration, but when you and your spouse perhaps realize
(in good faith), that you can't stand living with each other - we do not mention it in the
bulletin, and the Community of Christians certainly does not gather in celebration. Why?
Is there something wrong here? Something bad? Something that should be handled in secret?
At the time when a person most needs the visible support of their Church - it is absent. It is so easy for either or both the spouses in a Divorce to blame the other, and bear
a life long grudge against the other. What a blessing it would be for the Church to be
present to each spouse during this time. To emphasize the importance of forgiveness and
reconciliation to our spouse (and fellow member in the Body of Christ). What a blessing
for the Church to ratify this discovery on the part of the couple (we were not
"meant" for each other), and to help them celebrate, in Church Sacrament, this
very important and life changing discovery. To allow the Community to be there, and
witness these two people had very real problems, but they have come to peace with each
other, and forgive each other - and while ready to move on in their own lives, still
acknowledge the goodness and worth of their former spouse. What a very touching service it
would be as they remove the wedding bands from each others hands (I am sure there would
not be a dry eye in the place!). What a blessing for children to be present, and to see
that Mom & Dad still love each other, and them. Bishop, if anything I am a realist. Will this scene play out for all Divorces? No. But
it would work for many - especially as people began to see this as a positive example of
what could be done. I also firmly believe, that when handled in such a manner, many
couples, when learning to forgive each other in preparation for this Sacrament - will also
relearn to love each other! The Sacrament of Vocation could be celebrated multiple times in a persons life. For
some it might be the occasion of a critical job move or career decision. Anything that is
important in a members life and they wish to both sanctify and share with others. I am
sure with proper guidelines, it could be officiated by a Priest, Deacon, Religious or lay
person. Closing - I hope I have not rambled, but I am really hurting as I watch the
needless suffering our son continues to go through, and so many other children! I know
these are all issues that have been discussed and debated within the Church so many times
before. But I also know the power of single human heart to effect change. How many times
did Christ think/say/debate that his mission was only to the people of Israel - but the
suffering of people - the faith of the Centurion, the faith of the Syrophoenician woman,
the faith of Cornelius - broadened hearts to further accept more of God's plan. Bishop, I thank you for your time and I hope you will have the time to seriously
investigate and consider my requests. I hope the Church will allow consideration of the
annulment of our marriage as soon as possible. We have never met in person. But I do know several folks who can give you a
"personal introduction". Father Meagher (who I met at Aquina House), Father
Ondrako (who celebrated our marriage), Father Keefe (who counseled us), Father Stirpe (who
knows my family), Father Fritzen (our parish priest), Deacon Frank Forish (our deacon),
and all the Brothers of Mt. Saviour (who have given me the silence to better hear God's
will). Cordially yours, John Murtari P.S. Right now my wife has action pending to relocate to California with Domenic (and it could be approved in the next few months). I ask for your special prayers for my entire family that things work out for the best. |
