18 November 1995

Dear Mr. Lupia:

Attached you will find some notes which I think are important in coming to a determination of what is best for our Son, Domenic. Some of these things I may

have already communicated to you, but I would like to present it as a cohesive whole.

· My background - my experiences as a child, my ideals and goals.

· Our background - the relationship Adrianne and I had.

These things turned out longer than I expected. I know you are busy. I hope you will have time to read them.

I do want you to know that I did make another attempt to talk to Ms. Walsh after our conversation. I called her to schedule the EBT and then talked to her about two items:

1. Trying to have a confidential mediation session with a counselor between Adrianne and I (views expressed could not be used in this proceeding), in an attempt to allow Adrianne to express her feelings about me and potentially get to the point where we can have courtesy and respect for each other. Important if we are going to avoid trial and be able to care for Dom as mom & dad.

2. Basis for a negotiated settlement; again she told me I was the stumbling point. I asked her exactly what Adrianne’s position was regarding Domenic. She told me joint legal custody was okay, but that she wanted sole physical custody. I told her I could agree to joint legal custody, but we also needed to have joint physical custody. She told me Adrianne

had concerns about that, but that she would check.

MY BACKGROUND

My parents were both Immigrants. My father was the oldest in a family of 8, he came alone in 1914 (he was born in 1892). He worked, sent money back and eventually brought his brothers & sisters over, along with his mother. His father had abandoned the family. His brothers & sisters married, he did not. He wanted a family and in 1953 travelled to Italy to find a wife. He was introduced to my mother by a “match maker”. When they returned, no one thought he would have children -- I was born in 1956.

Both my parents were home when I was a child (my father retired from the RailRoad shortly after I was born). I do not think I ever had a sitter. I am told by my cousins now that when my parents were invited to an “adult only” reception, my dad used to tell the people, “If you want us to come, I am bringing my son.”

We lived in a small town and I can remember playing outside with the neighbor kids a lot. I can now appreciate the environment I had, neither of my parents finished grade school,

neither of them attended classes on how to raise a child, but they did one thing perfectly right -- throughout my childhood and teenage years I can remember never doubting that I was loved and cared for. I can also now appreciate the freedom and responsibility I had.

We didn’t have a car until I got my license, my parents were old. With my bicycle I could go shopping for some of the small things we needed, bread, milk, etc. I can still remember trying to figure out what to do when something on the list wasn’t there and I had to get a substitute! As I learned to read it became my job to explain to them some of the things that came in the mail. They didn’t push me toward college, but I can remember they wanted me to do well -- those report cards were important!

I worked hard in school and to gain an appointment to the Air Force Academy (when I was a kid I wanted to be an “astronaut”). My folks didn’t have the money and I knew I had to get a scholarship. We had an excellent school and all my teachers certainly helped.

I was lucky to get elected as President of the Senior Class.

Everything wasn’t perfect. As a teenager I had a strong desire to “fit-in”. It was then I realized that my parents were different. I can remember feeling embarassed to have them around at school functions, or to meet my friends. It was something I didn’t overcome until after the Academy -- when I began to really appreciate and respect who they were.

I remember my father as a steady presence. Papa was always there, either working in the garden or sitting in his chair watching TV. I always knew I could climb up into that chair and play with him -- we used to always wrestle in his chair. Even when I was a teen

I would sit in his lap and wrap my arms around him. He was never too busy, even when I used to drive him nuts trying to help do things around the hourse.

In his later years, he died at 96. He began to lose his mental facilties and it was tough for my mom to take care of him. I had left the Air Force by then inorder to be around -- they wanted me to pursue my flying career, but I knew where my priorities were. I remember when I left the Air Force as a Captain, a lot of my buddies said, “Come on John, your folks are old, you’ve got to lead your life now.” I still here that, it seems to be the mantra of our society. But I have always lead my own life, as a pilot I began to realize that people are more important than things. A buddy and I used to talk about how we

would look back on life when we were 70 -- would it be important that we had logged 5,000 flying hours of jet time, or would we remember the people, the lives we touched.

The respect I learned for other people I learned from him -- I saw what he did, not what he said. He and I used to walk to Church (boy, I how I used to pray for rain!); he never talked to me about his faith or asked me about mine -- he lived it. My father only had ONE father-son talk with me his entire life. But I remember that one talk, probably because it was just one. I was sitting in the kitchen doing homework (I was home on Christmas Vacation from the Academy), it was about 9pm, and he came into the kitchen from watching TV. He didn’t sit down, he said “Johnny, don’t you ever forget to help the poor people, there are always going to be people who need our help. Don’t you turn your back on them.” I said something like “okay papa”, and then he turned around and walked back to the TV. I think I was lucky in having a father with the wisdom and experience of a grandfather.

One last incident. When he was old and dying of prostate cancer I can remember taking him to the hospital because they wanted to try radiation treatment. They put him in a “cat-scan” machine and when he came out he didn’t want to have any part of it, he was confused and frightened (his hearing was going and it was hard to talk to him). I remember driving back home in the car, he and I, and I reached over and grabbed his hand and just held it while we drove -- there was no need to talk.

I think about Domenic and I want to share that with him. Yes Dad will set limits and general goals of behavior, but its your life to lead. As Dom grows into a man I want to be there for him, I learned a lot about life by hearing my Dad tell stories, and I plan on sharing strories with Dom -- but its his life. I’ll always be open to talk, but at his invite.

You know, its nice to read all the “psycho-babble” books about raising a child (sometimes I feel like you ‘gotta’ have a PhD), but my experience tells me that all you need is genuine love for your child -- and things are going to be OKAY!

Caring about people

When I was a senior at the Academy I started sponsoring a kid through a program

called “Save the Children”. I sent $10 every month and we could write to each other. Well we kept it going after I graduated and she was now a teenager. I got sick

of having to send letters through intermediaries and gave her my real address and asked for hers. I still sent the money in, but now we could write directly. Lucky for me, around

this time she got pregnant and I remember the director of the organization wrote me a letter and told me they were terminating sponsorship of her because she was “no good” -- imagine that, kicked out of “Save the Children”. I had been a loyal contributor for over 10 years and I remember writing a long letter to the director about that attitude. I had her address and we still kept in contact. She was from a poor black family in a small Virginia town, her name is Willie Dean Woody.

Well now she is 28 years old, she has 3 kids from 2 different men. But she still writes me and I write her and I’ve sent her money in the past when she needed it (even though a lot of it was wasted). Several years ago I got on a plane and flew down to meet her (talk about being nervous -- I had talked about it with her for years, and finally decided I had to put my money where my mouth was). I went to her mother’s house, they didn’t have a lot, and I can remember just sitting on their front porch and playing with the kids. I was proud to take her and her mother and children out to dinner -- we sure turned a lot of heads in that restaurant.

We talk on the phone, and someday soon (when I can afford it) I’m going to bring Domenic down to meet her.

In 1985 I started volunteering at the Loretto Geriatric Center; I used to go down there twice a week after work to visit with three of the residents (who the nurses told me didn’t get a lot of visitors). They became my friends, and when one of them died I went to the funeral. I kept it up until 1992, when Adrianne became pregnant with Domenic; for quite a few years Adrianne and I had gone together. I got too know some of the nurses and staff down there pretty well, maybe because of my elderly parents it was easy for me to be there. It also made me appreciate my youth and health -- you only go around once in life, enjoy every minute!

In 1985 I also started visiting the Oxford Street Inn, a shelter for homeless men in Syracuse. On the last Sunday of each month I make about 8 dozen ham & cheese sandwhiches and bring them down. Sometimes I invited friends of mine to come along, but most of the time its just me. After delivering the food I’ll sit down with a few of the “regulars” that I know and just talk, about TV, movies, politics. Its amazing how often I run into them downtown and we say hello -- I try to treat them like people, like I’d wanted to be treated if it was me. I still do it now, hard to believe its been 10 years.

The reason I started doing both of these things in ‘85 was at that time I was thinking of becoming a Catholic Priest. I spent some time in a pre-seminary program and as part of our training we rotated through several different experiences. I got to see the Oxford and Loretto -- I’m a man of my convictions, and when my assignment was done I asked myself, “John, are you going to tell these people, ‘sorry, asssignments over, good luck’”. Didn’t exactly seem like a genuinely loving approach. So as long as I had some time or money, I kept it up. Ran out of time to do Loretto with Domenic, but have kept up the Oxford.

Caring about Community

Although I had always been interested in politics and history. I got involved with politics after Domenic was born. The springboard for me was the conflict in Bosnia -- I just could not believe how cynical leaders could make people who have lived side by side for the last 40 years start killing each other and each others children!! What got me in was the understanding that when a lot of these crackpots got “elected”, there were probably a lot of cynical professional people who didn’t get involved in politics and just said, “who cares -- just politicians.”

I started the process of running for US Congress in January, 1994 as a Democrat. I visited the various Democratic Committees in the County and I’d like to think my message was well received. Adrianne helped me during this time, even though we had our problems. Around May she told me she was going to be getting a Divorce again, and I decided I had best withdraw; however, I still kept a lower level of involvement in the town of Lysander where I lived. The Democratic party here was dead, I held meetings and brought community people together. We found a candidate for town council and worked hard to try to get him elected in a special election held in the fall of 1994. We got beat, but we tried, and that is what counts!

I am a lector at my present Church, and have lectored at other parishes in the past. When we lived in N. Syracuse, I also volunteered to teach Confirmation classes for two semesters. It was a good experience (it was interesting trying to get 7th and 8th graders go talk about their faith).

Why is this Important

Adrianne and I both have Master’s degrees and I think both us have the money to keep a roof over his head, warm, and well fed -- but there is more to that in being a parent. Who can best feed his soul and spirit? Who can help him be the best person he can be? Who can teach him these things not by talking about it, but by example?

I reject being labelled as some over-controlling, insensitive, brute. It goes against everything I stand for and the type of person I am. Adrianne just never let her true feelings out. A person can hear and feel what you are saying, but not reach the same conclusion. I think she saw more troubles between us than I did, but didn’t have the confidence to break things off -- even now, as she is going through the divorce process, she won’t hardly talk to me or barely look at me. I feel I have become the “reason” for what she perceives to be her troubled life -- that is not a healthy attitude. I am also concerned that she is trying to protect Domenic from me.

Our Background

I met Adrianne while I was a grad assistant teaching a class at Syracuse University. I got interested in her during the class (and thought she was interested in me), but I decided not to say anything until the class was over. So after posting the final grades I asked her out -- and she said yes, and our love affair started.

I think it was the first time really being in love for both of us and it was grand! We had one full semester together before she was graduating and returning to Japan. During this time we shared our backgrounds.

She told me things had been tough growing up with her folks, that they wanted her to be a pianist (as was her older sister) and had pushed her into a music college. She had rebelled strongly, told me she had considered suicide at one point, but eventually they gave in, she dropped out of college, and was sent to school in the US. Her father had been an exchange professor at S.U. and had met a Japanese man here who had a family. They arranged for her to come here and stay at his home -- she majored in Photo-Journalism.

It turned out the family here was very dysfunctional. There were problems between the husband and wife, their older daughter had left home to escape an “over controlling” father. Indeed, Adrianne described this man as a manipulative individual and these impressions were confirmed by other people we knew.

I grieved with her over such experiences; I encouraged her to call her family and tell them what was going on in this man’s home, not to keep it a secret. She talked to them and felt relieved over getting the secret out.

When she went back to Japan her parents really put the pressure on her to end the relationship. I went there over the summer to visit her (with an engagement ring) and was surprised to hear her say she wanted to wait three years to get married (her in Japan, me in the United States). It was a tough visit. She didn’t write me about these strong concerns before I travelled there. I feel she may have been afraid I would have cancelled the trip and not seen her -- she wanted to tell me in person, but it was a shock for me.

When I returned to the U.S. we struggled long distance. We were both concerned about where things were going -- she called off our wedding plans, eventually she came here for a two week visit where we fell back in love again. She went back to Japan and the problems of communicating started again. At that point I realized things just weren’t working and wrote to her to say we should not get married -- there were just too many problems. She still wanted to come -- I told her I would not stop her from coming, but there was no guarantee of marriage. I admire her for the courage she had in packing some of her things and coming here to live in September of 1987 -- her parents were set against it!

When we were back together our mutual love returned and we planned our wedding. We were married in November of the same here -- it was almost everythings a wedding should be -- but none of here immediate family attended (just a cousin). We went to Japan a month later and it was a much nicer visit than my first experience -- I felt acceptance from her parents and true welcome from her Aunts and Uncles.

In retrospect a person could look at all this and say “doomed from the start.” Sorry, but I do not feel that way. We had to deal with real-world constraints, we had a good 5 months together and then she was returning to the other side of the world. Given our personalities it was either now or never; perhaps I should have told her to “stay away” and not come back -- but you have to give love a chance. I believed then and I still believe now, its better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Like an couple we had our problems settling in together. But there were some real problems, family & money, which finally made me think about divorce in 1991.

FAMILY

My parents were both old, my dad was 94, my mom was 71 -- they lived in a small town, no car, with only a cousin for help. My father was losing the battle to prostate cancer and was also becoming paranoid as he lost his sight and hearing. He had to where a catheter and a urine bag all the time -- it was a tough situation for my mom, and even though we went to social services and got a health aid to visit twice a week (paid by medicare) -- I was needed on the weekends.

My parents both loved Adrianne from the very start -- they accepted her as a daughter and whatever gifts they gave me at holiday time, they did the same for her. At first we went together to see them, and then I started going alone. It was tough for her visiting them, there was a language barrier, but more than that I began to sense she just didn’t like them -- which left me baffled. I was torn between obligations in two homes -- I struggled with my fathers illness and treatment alone. When my father died in 1989 we went back and stayed at my mothers house for a few days -- that was the last time we slept there as couple.

MONEY

Adrianne worked at part time jobs for most of our marriage. I added her name to my checking and saving accounts and credit cards. My paychecks went into the joint account and we both had access to the checkbook -- I had NO accounts in my name alone. Adrianne had established a sole checking account (for business accounting), but I noticed she would

occasionally have the money for large expenditures and that this was gift money from her parents -- in the thousands of dollars each year. I told her I wish we could share all are assets jointly -- money was always tight in our checking account and a lot of times I wouldn’t make purchases because of that -- even though she did use her money not just for herself but for household things also. She told me her parents kept separate assets and that was very different from my experience of sharing.

One incident in this time disturbed me. We were coming back from a party and talking about some other families and she told me, “John, I hope I know enough not to intefere with our children’s lives and give them the same freedom my parents gave me when I was growing up.” This really shook me, I can remember asking her what she was talking about, that her parents had interfered not only in her career decisions, but also in her decision to marry me. She didn’t say anything more, just fell silent.

In the fall of 1991 I felt a loss of love for her and began to realize that maybe things weren’t going to work out. We weren’t growing together in the relationship, we were growing apart, I told her that I thought we should consider divorce/separation, but that I would attend counseling if she thought it might help. She wanted to keep things together and arranged for counseling with one of the psychologists who works for the Diocese of Syracuse in their counseling center (Dr. Jeffrey Keefe). We went for about 5 months with sessions once and twice a week. It seemed that we reached resolution on the issues of money & family. She agreed that her parents would just put money for her in a separate account in Japan and not send large cash gifts here (after Dom was born this changed). She also agreed to try to visit my mom at least once a month (this never actually happened).

Around this time, the spring of 1992, Adrianne was also going through treatment for blockage of the fallopian tubes. We sat down one evening and talked about children, she thought it might be better not to have a child, it would give us more time to do things together and not have to worry about little kids. I told her how important family was too me. I didn’t want to force her to go through medical treatment (that was her decision), but if treatment stopped/failed; I thought we should explore adoption. She consented to this, but I felt part of the reason was she knew how strongly I felt about and that it could be the end of the relationship.

In the spring of 1992, right after the surgery, she became pregnant (it felt like a real miracle -- I think even the Doctor was surprised at the quick results!). Because of the surgery there were a lot of extra sonograms and tests; I tried to go to almost all of them with her. Later on we went to Lamaze classes together and we did his birth together without any medication. The nurse congratulated us on how well we did and thought we were qualified to teach a class. Adrianne’s parents came in February of 1993 and it was a home filled with joy! It seemed that we were on our way to a family. I was about as happy a father as there could be -- I went to all his exams and shots, changed his diapers, and got up at night to bring him to Adrianne so he could nurse (he was breastfed).

Problems began again in the Fall of 1993. Adrianne told me she wanted to bring Dom to Japan for a few weeks (I balked at this due to the distance, his age, and the fact they had just been here -- I later realized I was wrong about this, and aplogized to her). Domenic stopped breast feeding and then just had his milk in a sippy-cup. I sensed Adrianne was going though some life-thinking when she told me she envied some of the other Piano teachers who had accomplished students. She began to explore franchising a play center business similar to “Discovery Zone” -- the costs were significant, over $20,000 just for the name, a total of $60,000 to start the business. I wanted to support her in this, but was concerned over her complete lack of experience and the capital requirements -- I felt resentment even though I was open about my feelings with her in trying to be both supportive and honest with her.

She mentioned separation in November/December (she sounded like she had gotten legal advice) but I told her I didn’t want to do that now that we had Domenic. I told her we could try counselling together, but she balked. By the summer of 1994 I felt that I was being prodded toward Divorce.