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My Child doesn't love me right now / Thermodynamics of Social Change & Easter
From: John Murtari (jmurtari@AKidsRight.org)
This is a message from a mailing list, members@kids-right.org Unsubscribe instructions at bottom of message. ====================================================================== Good People & People of Faith: I don't know about you, but watching the "War in Iraq" made for a change in perspective. Over the past weeks I've noted a decrease in some of the list traffic on the net. Many of us have had a chance to think? Before the war started I heard one commentator say Iraq had a very well educated middle class. That it was a wonder such a regime could maintain power. I laughed at that one. Surely all the parents on this list know how? Which of us would be willing to sacrifice all we have to change the system when it seems futile? It's safer to get on the bandwagon after it's already rolling! Easter is here also. I still can't get over all the "Bunny" and "Happy Spring" cards I see for sale. I seem to remember a time (I'm not that old!) when most of the cards were about Love, Sacrifice and Resurrection? The recent messages from kids who don't want to see their parents also struck some deep chords. Here are some thoughts and I welcome yours. My Child doesn't love me right now. ----------------------------------- As you look at historical reform movements and attempt to draw lessons from what others have experienced -- there is one item unique to parents. In efforts to overcome slavery, segregation, or just the right to vote, people who sacrificed had the satisfaction they would be making things better for their children. That their children would enjoy this newly recognized "Civil Right." What about us? I was really struck by the emails from children in our last list message -- who didn't want to see mom or dad anymore. Why did they have to see someone they didn't love or care about? Deep down, perhaps some of us don't want publicity. You know how they do things on "20-20" or "60 minutes", they like to interview both sides. Can you imagine Ms. Mom, just being interviewed regarding her meeting with Senator Clinton, trying to convince the Senator that kids have a right to two parents, and parents have a right to nurture their own children. The interview then continues with Ms. Mom's teenage son (who was raised with the other parent) and who says, "Heck no, I don't want to see her. Just the weekend is bad enough, when do I get to live MY life? I don't love her, she was a [control freak /dominating /hurting my self esteem....] -- Oh,, and did I tell you she abused me? She slapped me once when I was a kid... (and then the kids breaks down in tears)." Some of you have experienced this first hand and probably even worse. How about being sat down with a Law Guardian or Psychologist and being told, "Mr. Dad, your daughter doesn't want to see you right now. You don't want to force her do you? Perhaps it would be best to wait a bit? You don't want to be pushy do you? Let's try to take a reasonable approach." What are you going to say to that -- how many of you have heard it from your own lawyer? My tummy feels funny --------------------- I've been VERY, VERY fortunate with my son Domenic and the great bond we have. But in the last 10 years I can still vividly recall two incidents that did not go well, that are burned into my psyche (nothing nearly as horrific as the times described above, what many of you have experienced. I don't know how I would have handled that!) When our separation had just started by Court order and our journey through the "system" had just begun, Dom would be dropped off for our time. He was little then, about 3 years old. One day my former spouse pulled up, Dom was still sleeping in the car seat. As he woke up he looked around and started crying as she brought him to me. He pushed away as I started to hold him and reached for her. I can also remember the smile on her face as she walked backed to the car and he was crying in my arms.... Within about 10 minutes we were all back to normal, but how many times would I have wanted to go through that? The second incident occurred years later, he was about 7, after they had relocated out West (again by Court order). The bond remained strong even with distance. I was spending about every cent I had on plane tickets (which is still true). But there was one period where I didn't see him for eight months (it seemed like an eternity!). Six of those months were a jail sentence for not paying support the right way (http://www.AKidsRight.Org/support_jm.htm). I picked Domenic up at the usual place with the usual hug. But as we drove to the cabin he seemed a little distant and it was hard to tell what was going on. At the cabin he told me his stomach felt funny. We sat quietly together and in a while he said that he missed mommy and that he felt funny being with me. I didn't say too much, just held him, but my mind was just a confusion. If at that moment he would have told he wanted to go back, to leave, and started crying -- I would have bundled him in the car and drove him back. Imagine that! Again, we had dinner, and in an hour things were back to normal -- and have been that way ever since! Thank God! He is now 10 and we talk all the time on the phone and eagerly plan visits. But what could have been? I'm going to tell you I was very fortunate and also very, very dedicated as a parent. I did a lot of things right (http://www.AKidsRight.Org/warm.htm) and had some good examples to follow. But I was lucky, a few "things" could have gone the other way and changed everything -- and many of you have been down that road. You shouldn't have to be perfect to be a parent, or even average. Being a poor parent is okay. Why? Because people change. Relationships are dynamic things and change over time -- but much less when you have no contact. Recognizing the Depth of the Indignity -------------------------------------- Probably the greatest indictment of our present "systems" of Family Law is the alienation of parents and children. What a monstrous event! My Child doesn't love me right now -- what awful words! You can take away my right to vote, make me sit in the back of the bus, or send me out to pick cotton -- but please, don't let me hear my child say they don't love me! And don't believe the people who tell you the kids will get in touch with you when they are older (I've got a bridge to sell you!). It might happen, lots of luck. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, please remember the words, "My Child doesn't love me RIGHT NOW." Please don't say the classic line, "My Child doesn't love me ANY MORE." Don't dive into victimhood. You can always keep trying and leaving the door open (and it hurts to do that) -- but someday you can get that big bear hug and the best words in the world, "I LOVE YOU!" The Thermodynamics of Social Change ----------------------------------- By training I'm an engineer. Things happen for reasons, every action has an equal an opposite reaction. One of the most basic rules of the universe is "you don't get something for nothing." The more "change" you want to see happen, the more "energy" must be applied -- and vice versa. PLEASE, this is not a physics class or some new theory of cosmology, just a perspective on what seems to happen. Chemistry & Energy ------------------ Most of us have had a little basic Chemistry, we know how some reactions give off a lot of "energy" and others absorb a lot of energy. It's almost become trendy to become a "suicide bomber"? But really, I think they should change the words to "murder/suicide bomber" since the primary "targets" are civilians. What do you think about that type of "reaction"? What kind of "energy" does it have, does it give or take from others? What kind of social change happens? When you see someone sacrificing out of love as a volunteer to help others. What kind of "energy" does it have, does it give or take from others? What kind of social change happens? You can both have a noble goal, but your attitude and motivation are crucial. I don't think the murder/suicide bomber approach works to make "positive" change. Even though it involves personal sacrifice -- there is also a strong element of hatred/revenge/take you with me when I go! Can you expect positive social change? What about us as parents? Is all the anger and recrimination to those who hurt us and our children going to make things better? I've always been mystified by events where people want to carry signs that depict judges as bats, or lawyers as vampires, or themselves as victims? The folks that want to get out in front of the Court House and call somebody names. What type of energy in that type of reaction? People who appear to motivated primarily by anger and revenge. Why do many Family Law reform groups see a revolving door of membership -- for some, once the anger is gone/forgotten, so is their motivation. The idea that they need to sacrifice more to help fix things is just not acceptable? Not being a Pacifist and being Angry ------------------------------------ Sometimes people think I am a "pacifist," that could not be further from the truth. I have to say I was disturbed by some of the anti-war "protests" and especially the smug attitude of folks within my very church. Once during a homily, I wanted to jump up and say, "You say you care about the people of Iraq? What about the modern day Hitler who is destroying their lives right now? How many of you are willing to stop what you are doing, say goodbye to your families,and travel their to help those people, to help bring peaceful change by your tremendous sacrifice? To demonstrate this great love for mankind that you say you have ........ I think Gandhi would have done that, Jesus would have done that, St. Francis would have done that. I don't see any hands (not even mine is up). ...Well, because of that, some other people are going to have to go their to fight and to die. Prayer is all powerful, but when you have it within your means to act, you must also act....whatever the cost. " Yes, I am angered about what happened to Domenic and I. I am so angry that at time I could put my fist through a wall that we have had to undergo such painful experiences. Even while I acknowledge that I could have done better, I also affirm what other people did was also just plain wrong. I have to admit these things because I'm a human being, flesh & blood. This is how I feel. But the part of me which is more than animal knows that anger isn't going to solve any problems in this struggle. Anger is nowhere near the motivation necessary to peacefully risk arrest and jail by walking into the Federal Building and trying to arrange that meeting with Senator Clinton. To the extent that we can succeed in NonViolent Action is our ability to convert our anger into Love. To convert energy of one form into another. The Energy of the Easter Reaction --------------------------------- While many of us question the "divinity" of Jesus Christ, we all must admit the impact he had on civilization. How? Actually, as parents we can all sleep easier when we see him as the "Mystical God." Then what he did becomes easy and distant. But what if he was just a man like us? Someone who loved every moment of life and rejoiced in the beauty and harmony of nature. Someone who saw that we are all brothers and sisters, children of a loving Father. Someone who was flesh and blood, who could trip & fall & get angry (a man like us in all things but sin, who never denied the ultimate reality) -- but could pick himself up again. Someone who could have taken the hint and left Jerusalem during that final week. Could have taken the reasonable approach and withdrawn, worked on the message a bit more, held a few more "seminars." He could have raised and loved children of his own, been a life-long positive example. But something tells me he understood the Thermodynamics of Social Change. That by being the lamb lead to the slaughter without anger, by being able to genuinely forgive those who were about to put him through the meat-grinder -- he would start a "reaction" of tremendous "energy." A reaction that would give and that could not be denied. That would affirm his message of love and that life is eternal. Social Change and Family Law ---------------------------- Folks, let's not kid ourselves. We and our families have experienced a great wrong -- the reaction required to reverse that will be equally as large. To the extent we are angry, vengeful, and selfish -- we move it back. What do we gain in return, the greatest gifts of all, love & resurrection! Let's all learn from the lesson of Easter! John Murtari jmurtari@AKidsRight.Org ================================================================== To unsubscribe from this list at anytime, send email to Majordomo@kids-right.org with the following 1 line in the BODY of the message (Subject is ignored). unsubscribe members
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